God has been teaching me lately that it's not about me. when someone becomes a christian i am quick to allow the thought come into my mind as to how i was a part of their salvation, when really i have nothing to do with it at all. God is the one who saves people not me.. and yet, still somehow i want to attach myself to it like i had something to do with it.
it even happens at the universities or when people hang out and i'm not there. if someone has an amazing conversation with someone or spends some time studying the bible, i am quick to be jealous of them. i ask, "why can't you use me God? why can't i see that?" as in it's all about what i do.
i was reading this week in john and read about how thomas doubted Jesus was alive because he didn't see him. every other disciple saw Him and thomas heard their testimony and yet, still he wanted to see Jesus with his own eyes; to touch Jesus' hands and side. how often i am like thomas. i want to believe God is there working without seeing it. i want to believe that i'm being used even when it feels like i'm not.
i feel no shame in admitting this. i am human after all. romans 4, in the message version, part of verse 17 says, "We call Abraham "father" not because he got God's attention by living like a saint, but because God made something out of Abraham when he was a nobody." that gives me hope, because i'm definitely as far away from being a saint as the stars are from the earth. so to know that God will make me, a complete nobody, into someone that can be used by Him gives me a huge comfort. to know that He still loves me and still uses me even when i am jealous and selfish.. that love is too good to be true and yet it is. it's the only way i can continue forward. i have hope.. in Him.
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